I've written a lot of cryptic nonsense in this blog, but for those that know me best, things should be becoming clear. I've been working towards a plan in recent weeks, but after this past weekend, it's all the more settled in my mind.
I moved this past weekend, I moved less than a block down the street. This wasn't a spur of the moment move, I've been talking about it, I've sent group FB messages about it, talked to people individually, and sent mass texts to try and make it clear to all my friends in the area, that their help was needed and exactly when I needed it. The evening before moving day, I sent out one last plea for help, of 12 people which messages were given, only 1 responded. Moving day came, no one showed up to help, no one.
Day two of the move, three heavy items remained. In a fit of panic, I listed them on Craigslist, but I was blessed to have my brother, one friend and his buddy show up to move them. I'm so grateful for the help they provided, it's contrasted by those that didn't even call me back with an excuse for not coming. (a couple of dear friends had very good reasons for not coming, they communicated those reasons in advance of my move, this rant is NOT about them)
I've talked a lot about doing things for yourself, about being independent, but there comes a point when that all means nothing. I've been working on trying to not exist in "survival mode", to no longer give off the vibe that I don't need anyone (which I've been told that I do). However, the old saying "no man is an island" doesn't seem to fit here, I think some of us have to be.
Here's where I rant a little bit more. For five years now I've tried, I've tried so hard to be supportive, to be available, to take up the slack in the friendship building process. Five years I've always considered others busier than myself, done the long drives to meet them on their home field, on their schedule. This is where my pastor would say that I need to rely on Christ as my support and not people, but unfortunately, He can't move boxes and doesn't return texts, people do that stuff.
My new roommate helped move me (she didn't move any items of her own, all of her stuff is still down in San Diego), I've known her for just a couple of months, my friends of five years (with only three exceptions) didn't even text me an "I'm sorry, but I can't come." My issue is not that people were busy and couldn't help move me, but rather the fact that people didn't even respond to my multiple requests for help.
I have a few choices:
1. Let it go and just focus on the fact that the move is finished.
2. Be very upset that the people who've flaked on me time and time again, did it yet again.
or
3. Let the incident go and no longer work at the friendships which evaporate when I need them.
An idea which has crossed my mind, is the possibility of a minor culture clash. Perhaps a portion of the people in California are just more concerned about what they want, than what the needs of the people around them are. That being said, they don't see me as a priority (the single girl from Missouri, out here on her own doesn't need help with anything), maybe I really am on an island out here, maybe I don't want to be on it anymore.
Who knows, maybe I'm just blind to the plank in my own eye over this issue. Maybe I'm just the kind of person that expects very specif types of behaviors from the people in my life and I'm being unfair. MAYBE, however, this is just the real world and the people who shaped my expectations are just a random blip on the map, I lucked out to have found them in the first place. Regardless of the the how and why, the facts are that I am a survivor, I'm the only one looking out for me and that gives me a lot of freedom in my decisions. Maybe I'm the one that needs to suck it up and not try to fight to be somewhere where I'm not strong enough to stand alone.
I'm working on a plan, it's my "Get Happy in 2011" plan. I understand that people have lives of their own, many have spouses and families, life gets crazy. I also believe that "family" groups form from the people that you encounter during your life, these are the people that go through life with you and is what makes these people crucial. I have such a family, I had hoped to join another one out here, but maybe after five years it's time to cut my losses. Maybe it's just time to go home.
