It's new years eve, the end of 2010, sheesh! I have today off of work, it's been a productive cleaning day. I find that when there's something in my life that I can't do anything about, that I have to take a firm hold on something else instead. Two big areas which give me a fragile sense of control over my world, is my diet and my possessions.
I'm a pescetarian (a vegetarian that eats fish), not because I have anything against meat, but because I choose to be intentional about what I eat, rather than just eating anything because I don't limit myself. I also feel a sense of catharsis when I get rid of possessions. I own very little, but I'm convinced that a part from the clothes on your body and the few snap decision things you would grab in the event of a fire, that everything else is just "stuff". The more "stuff" you place value in having around you, the less important the truly important things become.
It's difficult to throw away stuff you like, but never use, letters you received, mementos from pleasant periods of your life. I think we save this stuff because we want to be able to hold on to the good times. However, when times are bad and you look at the reminders of those past times, it can only distort the facts about present reality. It's hard to make myself let go of the yesterdays, but when you return from the dumpster and see an empty space where those yesterdays used to live, it frees up airspace for the really important things which remain (I'm thinking of a song by the National which describes how I feel about what remains).
So that's my philosophy about taking out the trash, which brings me to my thoughts about the new year starting tomorrow, but also to reflections of the past few years.
2001 - After two years of struggle and community college, I finally left Kansas City (never to move back) and transferred to Missouri State University (A very proud moment in my life).
2005 - After working full-time, waiting tables, picking up trash at 6am, scraping gum off sidewalks, and a laundry list of other things, while going to school full-time, I tearfully accepted my college diploma.
2006 - Sold everything that didn't fit my 2 door Saturn, and moved from Missouri to Southern California.
2008 - The economy falls apart, I get laid off multiple times, I'm unemployed 8 out of 12 months. Selling possessions I held dear and releasing my pride in order to accept help, was the only way I survived. That was a really hard year.
2010 - A lot happened this year, my career saw changes, I moved to a new city, and I faced more emotional/personal challenge than ever before. I experienced some beautiful moments, some moments which tested my ability to be selfless, and some of the most intensely lonely moments of my entire life.
I don't make resolutions on new years, I don't do anything just because... I resolve to do something when I believe it's right, not for any other reason. I make resolutions all the time, I resolve to take up the hobby of backpacking, I relentlessly pursue the steps necessary to achieve this, until I've done it. I resolve to get rid of half of the things in my closet, so I do it right then. If you decide to do something, don't give yourself a year to do it, take immediate action!
What do I wish for this coming year? I want to be happy this year, selfishly happy. I know that might sound strange, but this is how I see it. I'm single, the whole weight of my prosperity, happiness, and social interaction, weighs on me. I find that I treat different aspects of my life, almost like different versions of myself; there's work Sarah, there's friend Sarah, and there's the delicate Sarah.
I've invested the past ten years into creating a future (work Sarah), I've done my best to support all my closest friends as I've watched all of them get married and start new lives (friend Sarah), but delicate Sarah has seen very little attention, work and friends have failed to meet her needs.
In 2011, I think I need to be a little less forgiving of the people who accept what I want to give, but then don't return it. In 2011, I'm not going to suffocate the desires of that part of me just because of how it might make someone else feel. I'm never going to get what I want if I'm always surrendering it to the desires of other people. Yes, I'm going to be a little more selfish in 2011.
