There's a part of me that says I shouldn't actually say some of things I think and feel, that I should just put a brave face on and deal with things on my own. There's another part of me that says, "wouldn't you feel better if you knew that you weren't the only one that felt this way?" I've decided that not being alone in my thoughts is the better option.
I'm not going to prepare anyone to try and understand how I think, you'll read it and understand it, or you wont. I don't want sympathy, I don't need advice, I just need to put into type, the things that I internally talk to my ceiling about as I lay in bed at night.
I spoke to a friend of mine last night, she said something that I hadn't ever thought about before. She said that when you take your emotional walls down (for however long and for whatever reason), that you lose the ability (temporarily) to be strong, to protect yourself. Everything feels harder and hurts more while those walls are down.
I see my thoughts in colors, I hear my emotions in music, neither of which has ever been made. If my life were a music video, this would be the part just before the music begins to swell. There's a cello playing and the colors are dark, dark and saturated like a forest just before dawn breaks and light rains down over the tops of the mountains. I'm waiting to hear that swell, I'm waiting for the dawn to break.
