It's been a little while since my last post, not because of a lack of stuff to say, but rather the lack of energy to type anything about my life.
In one of my most recent posts, I talked about needing to give things up that make you happy. I talked about how I believe that God is asking me to trust him with everything I hold most dear, and to be willing to let him take it all away. The separation has been very difficult, even now I don't want to talk about it, the mere thought of the things which he's asked me to trust him with is enough to make me cry.
I've been busy the last few weeks, working on my "Get Happy in 2011" plan. There's not much that I'm willing to share with the public yet, but there's enough finalized for me to begin physical preparations. It's the preparations which will carry me into the next chapter of my life, and after all, stories with unending chapters aren't fun to read (or live).
I just finished reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, by Donald Miller. I've read very few books that could actually meet me where I was emotionally. I so deeply appreciated the fact that he wasn't preaching any methods of self help, or offering any spiritual guidance to the reader, he even says at one point that he doesn't believe in the resolution of stories, there are no perfect endings in real life.
If you haven't read the book, I don't know how much sense any of this will really make, but I'll give it a shot and try to frame it the same way it was in the book. When we watch movies or TV, we see the characters develop as they face conflict, overcome it, and in the end, the good guys always win. We want to identify ourselves with the characters we see, we compare our own lives with the story progression patterns we've come to accept as natural, and we also expect that everything will work out in the end. False. Things don't always work out and the sooner we stop believing that they will, the happier we'll be.
I know that the above statement sounds very pessimistic, but by nature, I think I'm an overly optimistic person. "I can accomplish anything if I just try hard enough" has described me for years.
Being a single woman of nearly 30 years, I've come to understand many things about myself, about what makes me happiest and how that relates to the future that I want for myself. I've also experienced the loss of countless close relationships (friends), to the changes required of them by their marriages or relationships to other people. I don't mean to say that they aren't a part of my life any longer, but just that I've been demoted from primary relational person, to secondary. As a result of these "demotions", I've received bucket loads of "encouragement" from married friends and family over the years. Supportive phrases like "It'll happen when the time is right", or "He's out there", and "I'm sure it'll happen for you too". To all of these encouragements, I'd like to say "thanks, but no thanks."
False hope for a future that may never be, is probably the most damaging thing that you could give someone that's hurting. Ripping a band aid slowly off a wound is cruel, it only delays the inevitable and causes more pain in the present. The truth is, that there are no perfect endings, no one gets everything they want and the continued pursuit of something which isn't intended to be part of your life story, is only going to cause you to grow weary and to exhaust the support of the people that love you.
In the book, the author talks about intentionally doing things that will make the story of his life more interesting, about placing himself into situations which cause his character to develop as a person through experience, rather than just watching TV and waiting for life experience to come find him. I really identified with the thought process which brought him to that conclusion, I understand how to apply his theory to myself and I also understand the differences between his story and mine.
I've had a very blessed life, not because anything has ever been given to me, not because anything has ever come easily, not because I've ever had a safety net that gave me confidence to do anything, but because interesting situations and experiences have followed me since day one, I've never had to search for it.
I guess it's safe to say that I'm trying to take a break from adventure, that I need a rest from looking for conclusions to the stories I've been trying to live. I'm taking stock of what I've actually got and what I can't actually depend on, because being "out there" in hopes that a certain conclusion with happen, is exhausting. I'm sure that the day will come when I'll feel safe to once again venture out of my shell and feel strong enough to be vulnerable to possibility, but for now, I'm closing the chapter on vulnerability and new adventure. My story is progressing by choosing to a path less adventuresome for a while, and I feel ok with that.
