Words, such funny little things. Words have the power to heal, to give joy, to crush and kill. It's no wonder that the bible says that the tongue is sharper than any double edged sword, and in this modern age, it's the text/ blog/email which has taken on this role.
Blogging is another funny thing (as I've recently discovered). In a world grown disconnected from personal communication, it's easy to be swallowed by the amount of thought and emotion which lacks the verbal outlet of days gone bye. Without physical outlet, internal thought is now seeking escape through electronic and public mediums. I'm no exception.
The problem with public transmission of internal steam, is that too often, people take offense at the truth of what really lives in your mind. Face to face, internal thought can wear a mask less offensive, but when internal thought is stripped bare of it's public face, people are less likely to be pleased with what they find.
Another problem with absolute honesty, is that when you allow someone to hear those real thoughts, those real fears, real hopes, you open yourself up to the most brutal form of rejection. Being found to be unacceptable, offensive, wrong, or unlovable by a person whom you allowed to see beneath your mask, is the absolute worst. Knowing that someone feels that their life can be improved by your removal from it, a devastation which I'm not sure anyone can fully recover.
I had a dream a few weeks ago, a dream which I'm unsure if I'll ever really be able to forget. I had a dream that someone I cared about very much, left me. In my dream, I started receiving emails from this person, each email containing a renunciation of a treasured memory I had about them, they told me it had been fake, that I had made it up, that it was a lie. In my dream, I would read these emails and burst into tears, I remember saying "stop stealing my hope", pleading for the emails to stop. I woke up in a cold sweat that night.
Being rejected or judged by someone that sees you without your mask, being asked to apologise for how you feel, THESE are things which are unacceptable, these are things which steal hope, these are things which leave you feeling alone and empty.
For every action, there's a reaction. For every problem, there's a solution. There's no solution for rejection, no way to unfeel that feeling. There's ways of responding, ways to live through the days when those memories are sharpest, clearest, most tangible. Some choose to be bitter, some to be distrustful, some choose to forget. I want to forget. I want to forget the rejection, forget the space in my mind where doubt exists. I choose not to forget the freedom which existed in those moments of pure honesty, of naked emotion, of total exposure. No regrets.
There's few things in life which we have the power to control, a harsh reality for someone like me. Always within our control, choice. We can choose how to feel, how to respond, we can decide to take ownership of how we feel and act according to how we decide to feel (even if we don't really feel it), it's not a lie, it's ownership of the heart by the mind.
I don't write this blog for anyone but myself, I don't know who will read it, I can hope that someone will read it, read it and know what I'm really saying. I don't write these things to inflict pain or feelings of guilt. I write my thoughts, I send them out into the world naked, this is a love letter. Honest, trusting, vulnerable, these are the feelings attached to my words. I write them to show you that I will forget the rejection, I will stand strong, I'm not afraid.
Take your time, remember to breathe, remember to stand.
